Chronic Cactus Juice Consupmtion
by Enomys
Summary: Sokka's life on cactus juice. Drabble series, starts in the desert. Meant to sound slightly insane. Rated T for safety.
1. The Desert

Zuko climbed up the mountainside and narrowly dodged to his left as a rock slid past. For the love of all that was sacred, was the mountain trying to kill him?

A half-hour later, he had reached the summit without even a scratch. Wait, does a paper cut count? He pulled the document from pouch at his waist. Stupid scroll. He had nearly been killed because of this thing. "I hope you're happy," he languidly addressed the figure before him.

"You did it," commented the person. Another figure shrouded in mists hovered behind the speaker.

Zuko snorted. "Of course I did." He rolled his eyes. "My future depends on this thing too, you know."

"Of course. But there is no need to worry. Even if they still had the scroll, they wouldn't be the rightful owner of Avatar, and therefore could not change the story," said Mike and Bryan.

_Well, that's a relief, _thought Zuko as he started to make the treacherous descent.

P.S. I don't own Avatar: the Last Airbender.

**The Desert**

Sokka ignored his sister's patronizing voice as he pulled out his machete and sliced the top off of the cactus. He turned around while bringing the suspiciously perfect 'bowl' of cactus to his lips and sipped the juice.

* * *

Five Minutes Later

His head spun. The world seemed to go hazy before his eyes. His eyes seemed to be bugging out of his head. He brought his hands in front of his eyes to push them back in. Ahh, much better. Now everything seemed to be turning several different colors at once; and, more importantly, he could _feel_ the colors. He distantly recognized the sound of Katara's voice questioning him, and, doing what the colors told him to lest the leprechaun in his head get mad, he replied: "Drink cactus juice. It'll quench ya. Nothing's quenchier. It's the quenchiest." He also dimly registered that she was taking the cactus bowl out of his hands and emptying on the sand. He looked to Toph, who had asked about having some of the cactus juice. Normally she was dressed in green, which is a soft color. Mmmm, nice soft softiness. Wait, now she was red! How did that happen!?! He had to know, so he asked "Who lit Toph on fire?" No one answered.

* * *

Sokka was just having a nice, private, in-head discussion with his boomerang, debating the finer points of the Earth Rumble competition when the cloud had come up. Katara and Toph had just stopped, Katara awed, and Toph, being blind, was uncaring, but Sokka was psyched. The two girls trudged onward, away from the cloud, but Sokka stared and stared and stared. It was a giant MUSHROOM. D'you know how cool mushrooms are? They're AWESOME.

"It's a giant mushroom. MAYBE IT'S FRIENDLY! Giant Mushroom! Mushy giant friend!" And he swayed along to the beat of the mushroom waltz, which, despite the term 'waltz', is very upbeat and peppy.

* * *

And that, my friends, is where I end Sokka's 'trip' in the desert. Do I get to qualify as insane now? :)


	2. After Poetry

I hired a cheap ninja to steal the copyrights to Avatar, but he returned with a scar on the left side of his face, a scar on his chest, and a scar on his back, along with a broken leg. Oh, and did I mention he's now blind? Stupid ninja.

P.S. I don't own Avatar: the Last Airbender.

**After Poetry**

Sokka was depressed after he got kicked out of the poetry club. Now what was he going to do? He trudged slowly down the street, staring at his feet. Suddenly, a man in a bright purple outfit reminiscent of King Bumi's jumped in front of him. Sokka reeled back, startled, and held up his boomerang in defense.

"Oooh, so you're a big tough warrior, aren't you?" cackled the guy (sounded like King Bumi, too!).

"Ummm…" said Sokka warily.

""Oh, you don't have to be worried about me! I'm harmless!" The guy then smiled, showing his lovely yellow tooth stumps to assuage any of Sokka's fears. Sokka took two steps back, and started to look around for escape routes.

His crazy new acquaintance noticed, crying "Wait! Where are you going? I haven't even given you any cactus juice yet!"

Sokka spun to face the man. He was now holding out a freshly cut bowl of cactus juice which he must have produced from his voluminous sleeves. Sokka hesitated.

"Aww, come on Mister Tough Guy, what're you afraid of?" slurred the King Bumi look-alike.

* * *

Five Minutes Later

Swirly, swirly, swirly, swirly, swirly lights. Wow, did the buildings have an amazing collection of fireflies, or were those floating octojellies? The sound of a guitar strumming caught his attention. He turned drunkenly, swaying almost off-balance. Was that Chong? He walked over to the guy, and was suddenly transported to the Cave of Two Lovers. He started to sing "SECRET TUNNEL, SECRET TUNNEL, SECRET SECRET SECRET SECRET TUNNEL!" He threw up his hands in a two victory salutes, and then hallucinated a man with getting onto a strange machine doing the exact same thing. The leprechaun whispered a name to him, and he shouted "Nixon!"

* * *

After being escorted out of the marketplace by the Dai Li for being a "dispuptic infloodence" (whatever that was), he found himself in a square full of preeettttyyyyy lights. The fountain spurted liquid high into the sky. Wait, what shape did it form? Could it be…a mushroom?

"YAY! MUSHROOM! MUSHY GIANT FRIEND!"

On the other side of the fountain a girl stood on her tiptoes and began to press her lips against her taller companions'. Zuko suddenly looked out of the corner of his eyes to see a very familiar figure…

That was the water tribe peasant! The one with the boomerang! Zuko had to get out of there, now. Look, the peasant was already waving and shouting at him! And so Zuko ran away, leaving the girl heartbroken and confused. Until she noticed how cute the boy on the other side of the fountain was, that is.

* * *

And there you have it. The real reason Zuko ran away from his date in Ba Sing Se.


	3. After Victory

I thought I had learned from my last experience with the ninja, so this time I 'hired' a gang of pirates (one never needs to hire pirates: only to promise gold, and lots of it). The pirates ended up losing their ship because it had been sunk after being pummeled by stones, almost blown over by strong winds, and being subjected to an inferno.

P.S. Still don't own Avatar: The Last Airbender. Sigh.

After Victory

Katara, Aang, and Toph went home soon after leaving the Earth King's palace; they were tired. But Sokka was exuberant and brimming with war tactics and strategies to present to the Earth King during the war meetings. So he bid farewell to the rest of the gang and headed toward the market district of the Lower Ring of Ba Sing Se.

Sokka trotted happily through the still-vibrant streets of Ba Sing Se's lower limits. He was enjoying himself, drinking in the noises, colors, and sights of the city's most interesting district. He had already stopped to peruse several booths along the way, picking up a new detective's cap (maybe he could hire himself out as a private eye!) and a funky cap for Aang (who likes wearing funky caps. Who knew?).

Now he was passing by a bar. The place was packed, as Sokka could see through the open door. He could see why; free booze was being offered. Well, that's what the sign outside said, anyways. Sokka slowed up to read the rest of the sign (maybe he could get some free meat…mmmm). Unfortunately, no meat or meal of any kind was being offered. No, there was something even better: the bar was offering a new kind of "all natural", no fermentation required alcohol. Sokka sniffed the air; was that the scent of cactus juice? And before he knew what was going on, his feet had made it through the door of the seedy bar…

Five Minutes Later

The leprechaun was back, and he was roaring mad. Whyever on earth did Sokka forget to buy him essence of lunar rock? He needed the powder to add to his diet of Chia pets and asparagus! Without it, the leprechaun's beard would die out, and then where would Sokka be?

"Okay, okay, no need to get pushy," slurred Sokka drunkenly. He swayed off in the direction of the herbal district. However, five feet from the apothecary's front door, he got distracted. A black-haired nanny was dancing in the middle of the square, and she was singing about a nonsensical word. Super califragilisti exiouspedolicious? No…supper noligastrolicious purfolicionious? No…wait. Super califragilistic expialidocious! That's the word! He jumped right next to her and began to sing along. Super califragilistic expialidocious, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, if you sing it loud enough you'll always sound precocious, SUPER CALIFRAGILISTIC EXPIALIDOCIOUS!

* * *

Sigh. The Dai Li had thrown him out again, this time with a warning: don't return to the Lower Ring or else we'll have you redoing our quarters. It was a strange warning; Sokka actually liked redecorating. Especially when it involved rope and mushrooms. That reminded him. Where was his mushroom friend? He tottered around a corner and looked up. In the center of the square he was standing in was a tall tree with a white bark. The leaves were trimmed so that they formed a perfect bell shape. However, they also formed a…

"MUSHROOM! I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU, BUDDY!"

Sokka threw himself at the tree's trunk, and wrapped himself around it snugly while nestling his cheek on the smooth bark. He uttered a happy sigh of content, and he did not move from that position until morning, when a five year old poked him, no, _knifed _him in the kidneys with a stick.

* * *

The beginning of the tree-huggers movement. Sokka is a trendsetter, guys!


End file.
